The Disconnection Delusion

As I have matured in my faith, learning about Christ, listening to his word, and praying, There seems to be a growing, overwhelming desire to connect with Jesus on a personal level. A desire that grows the more I pray and reach out to know the real Jesus. It is captivating, and nothing like anything else that can be experienced on earth. When I spend longer times in prayer, my desire for him grows. My vision is opened to the brokenness of the world, but more importantly god shows me his beauty in what he is doing to restore the brokenness of the world now, as a precursor to the beauty that he will bring when he returns. 

Friday after visiting montco I felt so shaken. It was the same feeling I felt years ago when I lost my mom in a grocery store. A sort of helplessness, and anxiety of being unsure. I felt disconnected from god. I walked home from school praying my heart out, and feeling nothing but more anxiety and stress. I said out loud “what is wrong with me?” as if I felt my heart beating irregularly, wishing I could just pound on my chest and make it beat the way it was meant to. But I couldn't... Where was Jesus. Why didn't he appear to show up and comfort me in my anxiety and uncertainty? I felt like i needed him, and I was so far away. My heart was calling out to him how I cried out to my mom in the grocery store when I was lost down the next isle and didn't know it. In my deep distress I felt this passion and hunger, a deep dissatisfaction of his absence.

I didn't realize The very fact I was seeking god, is the result of having found him.

This feeling of absence is actually evidence that Jesus has touched my heart. The the deeper I feel the absence is, the greater presence Jesus has in my life. But I didn't listen to this. This whole time he was with me, I was delusional thinking that this disconnection was real. I forgot that Jesus died on the cross not only to forgive my sins. But he also lost his connection to the father so that I can never really lose my connection. So now not only am I connected, but I am a son of god. I can call him daddy. Now I have the ability to come to him. I cant think he is not with me, I can only think he is hear with me now even when I don't feel it. I know he is there because he is my life. If he is my everything I only need to turn and look.

I can cry "Dada I need you here. I need you now." 

My heart can burst for his scripture and his love for me, because I am his. Next time I am feeling disconnected I need to remember this truth. My prayer is that we would remember feeling his absence is proof of his presence, and that i can use that as a bridge to meet him. I pray that I would seek his holiness, That I would remember this Disconnection is a delusion. I only need to come to him and stop turning to other things. I need to sit down and embrace his promises....

Everyone is looking for a spiritual experience.

I've found so much more.

If you have time to listen to a 25 minute sermon on this Tim Keller has an amazing one that brought me to this realization http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/discipline-desire